Peace be unto you, traveler.
You have reached the time traveler’s assistance hotline.
Please listen carefully, as our temporal situation may have changed.
The local date is October 2014 on the Julian calendar. The local political unit is the Commonwealth of Virginia, a member nation in the North American Union.
This hotline is equipped to provide support in other NAU member nations, including California, Deseret, Dakota, Franklin, and Quebec, but due to the current war between Texas and Mexico we cannot assist you in either country.
If your time machine is in need of repair or technical assistance, please press one now.
If you are trying to prevent a future dystopia, please press two now.
If you want to stop other time travelers from preventing your future dystopia from coming to pass, please press three now.
If you are seeking a cure for a plague, including bubonic, zombieism, influenza, Renfield’s syndrome, drapetomania, or Swartz’s disease, please press four now. However, please note that lycanthropy is currently recognized as a legally protected minority and thus we are prohibited from assisting you in finding a cure.
For all other needs, please stay on the line and an operator will assist you shortly.