I can’t believe I got fired from the calendar factory. All I did was take a day off.

Ugh. I can’t stand Shakespeare.

His work is bard and he should feel bard.

Show me where Trotsky is buried and I will show you a communist plot.

Did you read about the stolen furniture fence arrested last week?

The police caught him buying hot water beds.

Hanging is a suspended sentence.

Did you hear about the Filipino contortionist?

They called him the Manila folder.

I think the janitors’ union is overdue for sweeping reforms.

An excess of fortitude is called “five-titude”.

What do you call instructions for making beer?

A brew-print.

It’s going to be a big letdown when high heels go out of style.